Such a sumptuous, sensual, delicious and elegant atmosphere. Delectable food. The costumes! The ceremony (swoon). The joie servers, the attitude everyone arrived with - reverence, respect, and elation. It all became a cocktail of bliss that just evades description. My friends walking around with that perma-grin brought either through happy lovey vibes or too much joie and wine - so valuable. Such awesome conversations with awesome people.
Images, feelings, sensations from the party continued to come to mind all day yesterday. Dan and I agreed it was definitely a pinnacle event.
Congrats to our lovely host and hostess, joie to my fellow party-goers, and may you all carry the blissful warmth of the evening through these cold winter months.
- Mood:
content
My son and I have grown up together, in many ways. He has lived through all the craziness - my first "real" love, the toxic and/or meaningless relationships, my struggle and eventual recovery from addiction, being penniless, living in depressed neighborhoods, having to move back in with my mother, numerous school district changes - and from all that chaos, somehow he has emerged whole. Not only whole, though. Engaging, witty, insightful, confident, giving. My son is a testament to the strength of the human spirit. Our unpredictable life certainly imprinted him, but he has always found a way to rise above.
There were several times in his (our) youth that I expected him to be a lost cause. Both because of my seeming lack of ability to give him a stable environment, but also because of the raw deal he was dealt. But today I am proud to say that he is very much like any other teenager, and yet so much more impressive than teenagers I've known. He is experimenting with art and form, he loves language, he is a loving and protective big brother, he is a confidante to many of his peers, his motto is to "live without regret".
I don't know how we did it. I don't know how I did it. I can't even take credit for how awesome he's turned out to be.
I am so proud to be the mother of this young man.
Happy birthday, Andrew.
- Mood:
impressed
So while I've spent an embarrassing amount of money on shipping, I now have four masks to spare. So for those of you still looking, I have at least two with generic appeal!
One gold female mask on a stick. Success Creations item M-78, $11. And a green male half-face mask, Success Creations item # M-62, $10.
The other two are leafy homemade versions, so if your costume has anything to do with nature, this will be attractive. I can send the Etsy item # to view it if there are interested parties. This is the biggest loss for both the cost of the masks and the shipping, since they came from Canada.
But the good news is that 1) I learned to just wait until the right thing comes along, and 2) I now have truly The Perfect Masks.
- Mood:
silly
Not everyone from your past is someone you want to reconnect with.
I have avoided this person on every damn networking site there is. Names database, LinkedIn, Myspace, the HS reunion one... OMG. WHY DOES SHE KEEP FOLLOWING ME?
And, thinking I could placate her with superficial updates and generally ignore her, I accepted her friend request. Only to get a message minutes later. And while I'm replying to the message? An IM. Wherein she wants to poke at probably the most uncomfortable and painful part of my life, AFTER I say that "there's issues". And she's actively interacting with the source of the discomfort and pain. Awesome.
/unfriends. OMG.
- Mood:
aggravated
See.... I'm having body issues about the inherent nakedness, more physically than psychologically. How does one blog about this without sounding either terribly vain or terribly neurotic?
Before the baby, I felt pretty good about my naked self. I felt sensual, erotic, curvy, gorgeous - almost like Gaia herself. A study in soft, beautiful abundance. Sure, there were pounds I'd've liked to lose, but all in all, I felt good about what I saw in my bathroom mirror. And while I didn't get publicly naked often, that was more about subjecting others to my nakedness. I know that, for those who like my kind of shape, I look damn good. I used to say, "for those that like this sort of thing, they will find that this is the sort of thing they like." I'm also well aware that I am not what society views as attractive or beautiful. But then - in this alternative lifestyle - do we uphold those same standards? Not on paper.
On paper, we say that it is a submissive's yielding, her inner grace, her bravery to do what (few) Doms (do not) ask themselves to do, that makes her desirable. It is her unflinching devotion to a Dominant's pleasure and will, her sensuousness and responsiveness to those delicious torments, that make her attractive, to subs and Doms alike. And yet - I do still imagine judgement, snarkiness, evaluation and subjective valuation based on my physical form. I recognize this is an inner issue, not one of my social group.
My psychological nakedness is easy for me to tolerate. I am unabashedly in love and in lust with Dan. Who do I need to hide that from? I submit to him, I relish in it, I desire it, crave it. He evokes my inner vixen pin-up girl, and it's one of the many reasons I love him, and I love what we do. I have no doubt that submission is beautiful, and if I simply "forget" that I'm in a room full of people, it will be evident.
I used to be able to walk into a play party with that vixen pin-up persona in manifest. The changes to my body (mostly weight gain - another mundane/vanilla valuation of a woman's beauty) have made it more difficult to find that vixen, and nearly impossible to bring her into being.
Ugh. I hope I'll be able to get over myself long enough to enjoy the sensuality of the party. I always love the sexual vibe, even if it's not penetrating my issues, so to speak (heh). I really want to break through this barrier and join in the fun. And I think that if this weekend is an even moderate success, COPE will be easier.
Wish me luck?
In other news, my sweet angel daughter turns one next Tuesday. I can't believe it. I don't want to go on and on about how many emotions I have tied to this last year, but suffice it to say that she has enriched my life in unimaginable ways. The advent of Isabella in my life has been a monumental event, one that will eventually be immortalized in ink... somewhere.
And on that note, goodness do I have ink fever lately! I have been keeping a notepad with various ideas because I'm brimming! A long wait, it has been indeed. The vanilla/mentally unstable ex was so against body mods that I wrote them out of my life for so long. Coming into kink, meeting Dan, having Isabella, my whole life in the last 3-5 years has been about being more authentically me. Thusly, I feel compelled to emblazon my experiences on my skin, just like I used to before meeting the ex. It's good to be back. :)
Part of being more authentic is living in a more eco-conscious way and taking better care of myself. One of my brother's greatest chastisements is that we are "very intelligent people living in not very intelligent ways", and so I am ever striving to use my smarts towards real life good and healthy practices. I am inspired by leilia's paper-free house. I may implement that to a lesser degree (the toilet paper - just can't get let go of it mentally). I've also been doing really well with exercise lately. Have hit the gym at least 3 times the last two weeks, and I even put Izzy in a sling and walked to the nearby pool last night. That feels good. It is just like other self-improvement times in my life - good begets good, healthy begets healthy. The more often I make healthy choices, the easier it gets to make healthy choices again, at the next opportunity. Once you build up a momentum, I think they call it a lifestyle. LOL.
Anyways.. love to my LJ peeps. Sorry I'm not around as much these days. You are no less on my mind. Looking forward to a couple of parties this weekend, whereby I hope to see most of you!
- Mood: calm
That is all.
- Mood:
dorky
So then I'm up, pumped, positive, and WAY early to start my day. I decide to wear some makeup (a real luxury)... then my hair turns out FABULOUS due to it being drier when I started the process. And with that, I'm off to a truly wonderful start. We leave on time. No traffic to be concerned with. Gonna hit the office 30 minutes early! Woo hoo!!
About 3 hours into my day, my manager calls to ask me if I'm available during (what would be) my lunch hour to go over my annual review. Why, of course!
My review is nothing but glowing positiveness. I scored "exceeds expectations" in 80% of the categories and "meets expectations" in only those areas where he is unable to directly observe, manage, or report on my performance. I learn that he relies on me to be the "rudder" of the Detroit operations, that my communication skills are essential to the deployment of recent projects, and he feels I have a "leadership character". He's giving me a raise.
I really wish I knew more about astrology, because so just many things aligned for happy awesomeness today, even I am shocked...
- Mood:
giddy
Izzy learned to sit up from her side or tummy today, FINALLY. I can only imagine that crawling is right around the corner.
Went scrolling through my camera, looking at all the pictures I've taken of her since birth. She has changed, grown, learned so much! I can't believe she'll be a year soon. She's still the light of my life. She's started to give little baby cuddle-hugs, which rock my world because she's so NOT a lap baby any more. She's onna move!
So again, my life rocks. :) Didn't do anything special for Easter. Not really religious here anyways. But it is certainly a time for renewal and rebirth, and I'm feeling that new energy. 'S a good thing.
Many social events to come in the next few weeks. Looking forward to 'em.
Happy Easter to those of you that celebrate it!
Where they make my salad for me before I even get in the door. And it's free because of my loyalty card. Enough to make a girl smile, surely.
And return to the office to find an IM from my team lead. In addition to the phone discussion I had this morning with the manager, whereby he asked me to weigh in on workload shifts for the team, I have been asked to develop and maintain a document of process changes. To go hand-in-hand with our ISO certification, to be sure.
So what began as a fairly dark day really has a silver lining. Yay me! :)
- Mood:
accomplished
You fail to inspire with your empty threats about how you're "just about to" go slice people's hands off and put them in a blender (when I use an analogy about the right hand not knowing what the left hand's doing), or drive down to a company's office and...what? Tell them you're "just about ready to" get violent?
Is this how people really get things done? Never in my 20 years of business experience have big words that threaten physical violence actually amounted to real life action. What has worked has been a dose of intimidation, throwing around the weight (and billables), and reputation of our company, a reminder of error or urgency, with a heapin' helpin' of "pretty please". Maybe I'm just a woman in a man's game.
But you look like a putz, not a bulldog. Save it, nobody's convinced.
It is evident in the progress my son has made. I can chart my own internal growth and glee, but it's more meaningful to me to look at external evidence.
He was on the honor roll in the first marking period of this school year, and we're going to see him recognized in the district-wide Honors ceremony tonight. This is the child who nearly failed the grade while failing many classes, year after year, from about 6th grade through 9th. Midway through his Sophomore year, he decided to make a change. That was between 12 and 18 months ago. This directly coincides with when Dan and I began spending more time at my house, followed shortly by his moving in with me. Thus was the catalyst for my son's dramatic improvement. He's going to be on the honor roll again this marking period. He has all A's and one B right now. I don't know if I can effectively convey the triumphant improvement that represents.
Dan and I have both been feeling more lovey and connected lately. Our lives are so rich with our vibrant daughter, our witty and caring son, stable jobs and a comfortable routine. And now that I'm planning our wedding, I am in a position to have to enunciate what exactly this relationship means to me. How I feel about it and what I want to tell the world about it.
I just feel so indescribably charmed.
- Mood: content
Now I'm 150 pages into the next book and totally compelled. Wishing I could keep on reading instead of work. :)
| What Greek Goddess are you? |
  You are Athena! Born from the head of Zeus himself, this goddess is the most respected and capable of all the goddesses. Like this goddess of defensive warfare, crafts and wisdom, you are courageous as a warrior, cunning as a fox, and wise beyond your years. You do not try to be a leader, but you are one merely because you have the raw material that renders admiration and followers. Though you may not know it...you have the world at your feet. But since you are wise, you will not allow this newfound knowledge to go to your head. |
| How do you compare? Take this test! | Tests from Testriffic</font> |
"To be low reminds me of how much more there is ahead of me."
And that is a good segue into submission. An area that I haven't explored enough lately. (Damn procreating.) It's true. When I am made low (to borrow a phrase, wink at leilia), it is not only an arousing experience, but I am spiritually inspired. I go within, I recognize my smallness, my powerlessness, and I am inspired at the vastness of life, of power, of knowledge, and I am inspired to be better. I am inspired.
Part of that evaluation has been the degree of consumerism/materialism/greed/financial status/ego gratification versus creative expression/carbon footprint/holistic living/harmony with my environment that I have. I feel constantly pulled between the two. I sometimes feel as if I must be either way 100%, either living on a commune in loose dresses without a bra, nursing my 11-year old daughter while homeschooling and tending the garden before doing yoga and belly dancing, or some kind of icy Wall Street bitch who hardly knows the life forms sharing her address but has the best shoes and haircut. I know that neither extreme has to be me. But I feel equally compelled by certain aspects on either side of the spectrum, and often have trouble pinpointing just exactly where I fall on it.
Alas, I know this is all a process, and that I'm probably having a mini-midlife crisis. The downward economy, the drudgery of higher education, the constant do-I-stay-or-do-I-go-debate in my head (about Michigan vs. Chicago) and watching my precious little girl whose perspective broadens every day are probably just getting to me. Nevertheless, I read an article today that perfectly stated for me what I want with regards to Isabella's education.
http://www.theroot.com/views/how-homesch
- Mood: busy
How many times have I held your tiny body against my chest, just to feel its warmth?
How many times have I placed a thousand imperceptible kisses on your brow and cheek?
How often do I bury my nose in the space between your cheek and neck, to smell your scent?
Oh, how I treasure every moment with you.
I know I'm not the first to feel this overwhelmingly smitten with her child.
I know it happens every day.
Yet, sometimes, in the dark of your room, as I rock you to sleep,
I am hit full-force with it.
And it feels so
indescribably
Special.
- Mood:
thoughtful
Think of 15 albums, CDs and/or LPs that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life. Dug into your soul. Music that brought you to life when you heard it. Royally affected you, kicked you in the wazoo, literally socked you in the gut, is what I mean. Then when you finish, tag 15 others, including moi. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill. Get the idea now? Good. Tag, you're it!
Here goes (In no certain order):
1. Grease Soundtrack
2. Phantom of the Opera – Broadway version
3. Little Earthquakes – Tori Amos
4. Peekaboo – Siouxsie and the Banshees
5. Pretty Hate Machine – Nine Inch Nails
6. Broken – Pretty Hate Machine
7. Pulse – Pink Floyd
8. The Sky’s Gone Out - Bauhaus
9. Music For The Masses – Depeche Mode
10. Disintegration – The Cure
11. Scarlet’s Walk – Tori Amos
12. American Doll Posse – Tori Amos
13. Fiddler On The Roof – any version
14. Jesus Christ Superstar – Broadway version
15. Running With Scissors – Weird Al Yankovic
- Mood:
okay
We arrived at the hotel around 5:30pm, feeling anxious that we would miss the meet 'n' greet that started at 6 (we did). They really did have the entire WING of the hotel locked down and inaccessible except from within the event space. We drove around the building to the main entrance, checked in, registered for the event, got our name badges, went to the room. We settled into our room and decided to go to the main social/play area to hear the keynote address and opening remarks. Boy, are we glad we did. Barak and sheba both addressed the group with event announcements and comments on the Radical Right presence and attention. Then Tristan Taormino gave the keynote address and did a fantastic job. That really set the tone for the event. It gave us things to bear in mind and focus on as the weekend progressed. It really added a level of focus and intent to the time we spent there. Really beneficial and crucial to our feeling of being a part of the event. So we went out to dinner and returned to our room and got ready for the play party. What a different experience it is, seeing full nudity and sexual contact (but not intercourse) allowed! There was a woman in a sex sling who was gang banged (by folks wearing strap-ons only) before our very eyes! We saw familiar faces, watched some scenes, and took that energy back to our room. ;)
The next day was full of classes, shopping, making friends, awesome conversations. It's really kind of a blur. We passed Jay Wiseman many times in the hallway. We bought a custom embroidered t-shirt, restraints, a flogger. We talked to countless people, shared eye contact with a few, ogled many. There were classes on everything from fire play to fisting to violet wands to anal play to polyamory to genitorture. Our favorite classes were hosted by Tristan Taormino. She has a knack for connecting with the audience and both making the information and herself accessible and approachable. We talked about having dinner with acquaintences we made in the last class, but it didn't work out. We ate quickly at a local Mexican place and hurried back to get fancied up for the Saturday night play party, sure to be a gala event.
And boy, was it. So many sights and sounds. We watched girls giggle and writhe in the grope box. We assisted with two women who were working on suspending one of them by a leg, then watched as she hung, twirled and spun herself. We watched a really cool take-down/wrestling scene on the mat. We saw folks straddle a spanking bench, facing each other, making out and clawing/stroking each other. All sooo yummy. We came thisclose to securing a cross or bench for ourselves, but decided our headspace was just too divided (shinysexy!) to be properly focused while we were there, so we retired to our room again. We had an amazingly intimate and connective scene and drifted off to happy, secure, exhausted sleep.
We encountered NO opposition from the radical right. We saw them out on the sidewalk with their signs and Ken dolls (?), but it didn't interfere with the weekend at all. The food at the hotel was great (we had the breakfast buffet Saturday morning). Barak, sheba, the staff of AIS, and the attendee volunteers went above and beyond to make sure that the event ran smoothly and every one was safe and comfortable. The hotel staff seemed pleased and relieved by our manners and genuine gratitude for hosting us. All in all, it was a fabulous time. We plan to attend more AIS events in the future. They really do a fantastic job with creating a safe, comfortable place for free sexual expression. Bravo!
- Mood: content
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